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I really should invest in a Dictaphone. All of the thoughts racing through my brain just 5 seconds ago seem to vanish as soon as I decide to boot up my laptop and exorcise some of this shit. No matter, it seems I can continue regardless, although as soon as it becomes an act of typing rather than talking my internal editor seems to kick in in a way which is just as insidious as the one that takes over when I try to speak aloud to others. I guess that’s why some people seem mad, others boring…they haven’t yet got their editor on lock-down. 

See, I know I’ll look back on this in a month’s time and feel really embarrassed. There’s only one post that I’ve edited on here (for no other reason than not wanting to have a slushy post regarding my ex on here from back in the day) and the rest I keep for, I don’t know what, the day I want to write a book? The day I want to share all this with someone – grandchildren, a lover, my older ‘wiser’ self? Ha – the only thing keeping it on here at present is the vague sense of shame I feel in deleting it (although it doesn’t stop me editing it to some degree incase someone reads it. It has happened!)  I guess it would feel as though I’m trying to pretend I’m the cool kid by erasing all the cringe-worthy aspects of my past. How long does it take for celluloid to decompose? 

I’m currently in the middle of the following books;

– Spiral Dynamics

– The Elizabeth Omnibus

– The Fourth Way

– Manual of the Warrior of Light

I have paused (well, TalkTalk has paused) a documentary called ‘Meet the Mormans’ and something makes me wonder if there’s not a little funny business going on in this mercury-yolk that doubles as my brain. I am searching as desperately as these ‘poor’ missionaries are searching; for instruction, fulfilment and meaning in my life. And I’m just your average Josephine. Why can’t I find the blog by the girl that has a pretty reasonable life, with nothing to really complain about but everything to get confused about? I typed in ‘lost and confused’ into my mobile browser and it gave me the option of religion or depression. Granted those were results from the first page, so I shouldn’t really be too surprised. 

I guess the problem is that we all become discontented for a while, regain some kind of equilibrium for a while, then receive a shock through action/inaction and stumble our way through that for a while, only to repeat the process again. And again, ad infinitum. One book I’m reading tells me that this is the way things go, whether on the road as a lone traveller, or as a nation crossing into new territory. It’s fine! It’s the status quo! Just run with it, accept the changes and shifts as you accept the changing of the seasons…be in flow.  Another book I’ve just begun (The Fourth Way) is teaching me to observe – to quash all negative emotions and to listen out for the lies…they are everywhere.

I know – I’m doing it to myself. But at least here I can get it down in some form which no-one will read, and one that won’t get lost by default of a crappy phone or a muddled house move. One that can at least hold its value for posterity when I have come full circle and which I can use a reference point when I next feel lost and confused! Have I advanced or retreated, have I moved up or down the spiral? And to think my original reason for starting this blog was to get me a better job! 

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By amytuffin

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